laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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