I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
