just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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