How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I love having hate sex.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
