I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
