Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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