if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
