Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
