I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
