ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
