I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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