Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
