I CAN MOONWALK!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
