i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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