Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
