I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
