Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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