they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
