just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
