I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
