forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
