Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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