The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
