can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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