so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize