Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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