Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
