Just fell off a train. Bad.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You don't make any sense
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