If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
