I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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