Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
