Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I currently don't understand fingers.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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