I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
