I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
