I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
