My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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