Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
