Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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