I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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