i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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