I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
