the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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