i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
