her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house