Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
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We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
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Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.