Well douche your snatch and let's go!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
