I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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