Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
