I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
