Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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