i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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