walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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