The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
