I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
