you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
