How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
