i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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