someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
