i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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