weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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